So in the interest in being a more open and communicative person, and in the need to whine just a little bit to no one in particular, I give you this. I hate my job. I REALLY hate my job. I know that you are supposed to hate you job and it’s all just supposed to be waiting for retirement, but really that just sounds soul-sucking to me. It wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t paying me diddly on a cosmic scale (11,000 a year, before taxes). But really I could and have lived with that before, if only the people weren’t such assholes. I don’t mean anyone in particular, but really when you are doing something that you really don’t want to be doing, everyone who you interact with in that setting immediately becomes the biggest asshole in the whole world, and it doesn’t matter that they are relatively nice about it. Or that they love their job and I’m sure are quite good at it.
Anyway, that’s not really what I want to be talking about. Everyone hates their job just a little. If nothing else every time that you would really rather be doing something else, but THEY (whoever they may be) says “No, because I’m not paying you to check your email, and loaf about outside!” At that moment, no matter how much you loved it the second before, you hate it right then.
At what point did I grow up and stop getting to be a kid? At what point did I stop saying “No I want to do this and I will because I can.”? When did the bills suddenly get so big that I said, no I won’t get that new piece of body art, the rent is due. Was I ever that person? Maybe that’s what I am really pissed about. Maybe I never was. I have said that I am a spooky spirit worker in my bio. Well if anyone happens to read this who I don’t know personally, I swore service to my Lady (Goddess, Bitch, Drill-Sergeant) in my first year of college. After that it was all training and teaching, and going to class. Trying to graduate from college while spending every other minute that wasn’t spent writing papers learning and creating a whole new discipline of magic. Now I wasn’t alone in any of that, I did it with a partner, but still. When did I get to be a college student?
Yesterday I had the pleasure of a visit from my Lady’s Warrior face. Let’s just say that she can be nice, but wasn’t really choosing to be and my side still hurts from a short demonstration of just how out of shape and slow I have become. Much of the rest of the visit consisted of her sugesting that I should get off my ass and do all of the things that I am not adequately doing right now. Is she right? Probably.
But really how much time do I have in a day? 24 hours? I do need to sleep at some point, so that’s about 7 hours there if I want to be a reasonable person when I wake up. Now I have 17 hours. Well if that’s a week day then anywhere from 8 to 10 hours will be spent at work, so that leaves lets say 9 hours. 1 hour spent in transit. That leaves 8 hours to the rest of the day. 8 times 5 is 40 hours in a week. Now that seems like a lot, but really what are the expectations on that time. Keeping the house clean, eating and the associated chores, doing my best to find a better job than the one I have now. Working as best I can for our business once I get home. Taking care of our various animals, one of which takes up a great deal of time and energy as she is a 4 month old puppy. So all of that leaves about 4 hours from the time I get home to when I need to go to bed if I am going to get that 7 hours of sleep that I mentioned before. 4 hours. 4 hours to do anything that might strike my fancy or I could just spend all of that time doing my real job. Being the Clan Speaker of Tashlin. Directing the troops so to speak. Doing any of the ten different tasks that she so gently chose to remind me of last night, almost all of which seem to take up large portions of a fast shrinking paycheck that really in the "real world" should be going to paying off the various bills that we keep getting calls from collection agencies about.
So that gets me back to my earlier question, when do I get to be a kid? I am now 26 years old and fast approaching 27. Do I get a time to be a college kid and just have fun? Do I get to just fuck up and say “oops”? No. Did I ever? Sometimes I don’t think so. So when I say that I hate my job, do I know which one I am talking about? Not really. Do I love my Lady? Most of the time, ok almost all of the time. Do I like her? Most of the time, but not much right now. I just want to run for the hills, yelling “Ha ha ha you won’t catch me and make me a man!”
1 comment:
Fucking up and saying "oops" sounds a lot more interesting than it is. For me, it was all about constant insecurity, crying in bathrooms, and waking up hung over with a creeping sense of dread. But that's not to say you don't have a right to be resentful about not having had the chance to find out for yourself.
I suppose the grass always looks greener -- the last few years, I've had an abundance of time. Yep, just me and the Voices in my head, day after day after day. If I could figure out a way to send you some of my copious spare hours, I would :P
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